I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
