I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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