it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
