Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
