I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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