look no pants
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Come share oat with me in your robe
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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