a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
