I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
