i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
