Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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