Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
