please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
