Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
