Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
