remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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