I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
