I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
