You just made me feel so damn special
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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