i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm at about main and main street
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
