I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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