That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
4 words: hood of his car
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
