she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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