We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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