I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
