well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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