It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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