My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
