The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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