I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
