ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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