dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
