I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
