sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
