WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
