Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
