Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
