Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
