if i can run in heels then i can drive
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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