remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
