God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
