i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
