I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
