the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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