Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My ATM looks so different sober.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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