Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So much Jack, so little girl.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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