It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think people are normalizing furries
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
