I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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