If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
