her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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