Where is the hickey?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
