God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
